The Worst (And Also Perhaps Best) Week of My Life
I recently had one of those Job-like experiences. You know…the kind of experience that is so painful and paralyzing that you sort of shut down and go into an emotional coma. Well, that’s where I’ve been for the last couple of weeks. I’ve been in a fog and only in the last few days am starting to see the haze clear in my life.
It all started about a month ago when we left Phoenix for a family vacation. The first day of the trip, my youngest son Christian, who is only two years old and unable to articulate what he is feeling just yet, started to whine and complain about his mouth or throat hurting. We figured he was either just fighting another juvenile cold or teething his baby molars. Well, he moaned for a couple of days and then seemed to become himself again. We thought nothing of it…sickness and tears are status quo with any young family.
A week passed by and then I came down with an angry sore throat myself that felt like my entire neck had caught on fire. I knew it wasn’t the standard fare sore throat and it didn’t come with the usual cold symptoms, so I finally had it checked out. The doctor at the Urgent Care took a culture and diagnosed me with Strep Throat. Admittedly, I was shocked because I haven’t had Strep since I was in high school! Where in the world did I contract that, I thought? I wasn’t licking any playground equipment and didn’t recall any diseased people coughing in my face, so it was a mystery to me.
Well, I suffered through it and took my antiobiotics. A few days later, I was feeling better and we were headed home to Phoenix. Interestingly, on the last day of our vacation Christian once again started complaining about his throat and feeling cold despite the fact that it was 100 degrees outside. Weird, we thought. But then again, the common flu is always around and perhaps he was coming down with it. No surprise, of course, because I’m quite convinced that my children will contract just about every bug and virus that happens along in this disease infested planet. If I sound like a convinced germophobe, it’s because I am. My kids bring more germs into my life than I care to count and most of those eventually get passed on to me.
Anyway, Christian was quiet and sleepy for most of the drive home, which was actually quite nice since we expected him to fight the restraint of having to sit in a car seat for an entire 11 hours. We arrived home and promptly put him to bed. He didn’t sleep much and cried through the night. His fever spiked, and we knew he was socked in with something. We just didn’t know what it was. The next morning we medicated his fever with Ibuprofen and let him rest but he didn’t stop crying and wouldn’t improve for the next two days. Finally, exasperated, we decided to take him to the doctor.
At first, the doctor was perplexed with his symptoms but once he found out that I had just been infected with Strep Throat, he quickly surmised that my son had caught it too. He ran the culture and it came back positive. My two year old indeed had Strep Throat. Now, that is very unusual, I’m told. Kids his age don’t get Strep. At least, that’s what we had thought, so we never even considered that he could have contracted it.
We immediately started him on a round of antibiotics and his fever subsided within a day, but he then experienced some odd symptoms that perplexed us. The next morning when I went to get him up, he was crying and seemed agitated. I picked him up and held him, and then I took him downstairs setting him down onto the ground to stand while I got him something to drink. He stood there for a moment, his knees started to buckle and then he dropped to the ground.
Throughout the day his condition worsened and he refused to do anything but sit in misery on the couch and try to be distracted by movies. When he finally wanted to move, he asked to be carried. We noticed that his joints seemed to be stiff and painful and almost frozen. That night, when we put him to bed, we hoped and prayed that he would wake up a new boy in the morning. You see, we needed him to feel better because he wasn’t the only one who was suffering that day.
While my son was afflicted with this fever and apparent paralysis, my wife started to bleed. We had been 10 weeks pregnant at the time expecting our third child when the bleeding began. Although she had been spotting for a couple of weeks, we had hoped it was nothing unusual, but her bleeding increased significantly the day we returned from vacation. And, the miscarriage started the very day that Christian developed his condition.
So, while my poor son was suffering, my wife was also miscarrying and I didn’t know what to do. I honestly felt paralyzed by my concern both for my wife and for my son and wasn’t sure how I ought to be responding. It’s a terrible feeling to watch two people you love suffer and have to make a choice about who to help…A miserable, gut-wrenching feeling.
This dissonance was complicated by the fact that I was supposed to preach for the first time at my new church the following day. I knew I should have been preparing for my triumphant start at Bethany Bible Church the next morning but couldn’t find the time or the heart to even think about it. That night I went to bed worried for my wife and for my son. I am not really a worrier, but this time I was. My heart starting pounding in my chest because I was losing an unborn child and wasn’t able to care for my wife or even consider how it was affecting me. And, my two year old was digressing physically and I wasn’t able to figure out what was wrong.
It didn’t help that I went on WebMD and saw that untreated Strep Throat can lead to Rheumatic Fever, a condition that affects the joints and heart and can cause irreparable damage. I looked through the symptoms and everything matched what my son had been experiencing! I beat myself up wondering if in fact what he had earlier on was Strep Throat, and we didn’t catch it. Had we failed as parents in recognizing this in our son and wouldn’t it be our fault if he indeed had contracted the Fever because of our failure?!
All night long I languished, and I didn’t sleep a wink. I had all kinds of nightmarish thoughts plaguing my mind about my own failure as a husband and father to care for my family, and I wondered if my son would ever recover and be himself again. I pictured the cute toothy smile he gets when he’s happy and thought that he may never smile again. And, I thought about how he merrily skips rather than runs when he plays, and thought that maybe he would never skip again. These thoughts tortured my mind and heart and brought me to the brink of my sanity.
When I finally got up around 5 am after tossing and turning all night, I went in to check on my son, and he was moaning. I picked him up and his joints seemed to be locked up. He had not moved the entire night and his fever was back! I carried him to the bathroom and fumbled to find some medicine but broke down. I honestly was shaking and shocked and thought that I might lose not one but two of my children in one weekend!
Not to mention the fact that I was supposed to be at church in three hours to meet my new church family and preach my first sermon. At that moment, I went into my coma. I went downstairs and cried. I screamed inside to God that if He had allowed Satan to sift me that night, then Satan had succeeded. He worked me over, and I was finished. I couldn’t bare to leave my family and try to preach, let alone talk to anyone, and yet I didn’t have the option not to. I had no one to call and it would have been disastrous to not show up on my very first Sunday! I faced what might have been the hardest decision of my life.
Thankfully, I decided to trust God in my moment of terror rather than my own fear. I marshaled all that I had left, which wasn’t much, and after feebly talking it through with my wife, I left for church. Even as I drove out of the driveway feeling devastated and depleted, I doubted my decision to leave. The only thing I could do to console myself was to tell myself that God must be testing me…testing me in a way that I had never been tested. It was as if God was asking me if I really trust Him or just say that I do.
Well, I decided to put on my best face and meet the church, but I fell into tears almost as soon as I opened my mouth. Although I’m quite sure people were surprised to see me looking so devastated and depleted on my first day, I honestly didn’t have the strength to hide it. There was no way that I could conceal what was happening in my life, so I didn’t try to. I openly told the church how much I was hurting and that I honestly didn’t want to be there. I shared what had been happening with my family the last week and that I struggled leaving them at home that morning.
Actually, I did the only thing that I felt right doing…I asked the church to pray. I asked them to pray for my wife, my son, and for me. I asked them to pray for God to be strong in our weakness and to give his healing in our sickness. I cried and asked my new church family to pray. And, pray they did.
When I returned home from church that Sunday, I asked my wife how she and Christian were doing. She told me that they were much the same. At the very least, my son was not getting any worse, though it’s hard to imagine how things could have gotten worse than they already were. Stephanie was still in the throws of the miscarriage, and Christian was still miserable and paralyzed on the couch.
And yet, by that time, I had received word that my call for prayers had spread and that hundreds if not thousands were engaged in intercessory prayer for us that afternoon. Upon hearing this news, I saw a miracle start to unfold. I say it is a miracle because things turned that day in such a way for us that it could not possibly be explained away as coincidence or natural healing.
By the evening, my wife’s bleeding had subsided and my son was not just standing up for the first time in days but also walking and even smiling. We had done nothing different that day except watch the power of prayer working in our home. We could not believe the dramatic change that happened in our family within just a few short hours! In fact, some good friends came over to console us that night and witnessing the obvious relief that came over our household celebrated the goodness of God together with us.
As we drifted off the sleep that night, the first night that I actually slept in a week, my wife and I praised God for his kindness to our family and for rewarding the faith we had exercised earlier that morning. I now know that what I thought might be a test was indeed a divine examination of my faith. Choosing to trust God that morning turned out to be the right choice. The truth is that if I hadn’t made the extremely difficult decision to go to church when everything inside spurned it, then I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to call so many people to prayer. And, if all those people had not interceded on our behalf, then I don’t think I’d be coming out of this coma.
Now that my wife is on the mend and my son is himself again, I feel like the fog is lifting in my mind and that I am starting to heal. And yet, strangely, I feel a greater sense of my weakness than I did before. I can honestly say that I feel more fragile than I have ever felt, and I am much more aware of how easily my world can be crushed. There is so much than can go wrong in my life and much of it is completely out of my control. I understand that more fully now.
I can’t stand to watch people that I love suffer, and I am now keenly aware that I can’t do anything about it when they do. I can only watch, hope and pray and call others in my life to do the same. After that trying week in my life, I now feel more helpless and weak than I ever have before, and yet I believe that is exactly what God wants me to feel. It’s as if my desperation was superintended by God for me to appreciate my own powerlessness and to rely more on God’s grace.
For this reason, that week was both the worst and perhaps also the best week of my life. It was the worst because I really felt my own weakness, but it was also the best because I also really felt God’s grace. This was the week that I learned the real meaning of Jesus’ words when He said, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Yes, Lord, I can honestly and openly say now that your grace is indeed sufficient.
Wow! God is good! Thank you for sharing this amazing story Kent.
Ron, yes He is. I found out just how good through this. Good to hear from you!
Kent, my heart hurt for your family when I heard about this. I’m glad that Christian and Stephanie are feeling better, and I will continue to pray for you all in the aftermath of all that has happened. God bless you for your faithfulness and example. Thank you for sharing your story, brother! Love to all of you!
Thanks, sis! We know you have our back. Thanks for caring and for being such a faithful friend.
Bless you, Kent.
Thanks, Sharon. I feel blessed.
I cannot even describe how this touched me, moved me, and inspired me. I am so sorry to know that you went through that kind of pain, but at the same time, it is such a blessing. How He tries us, but knows the exact boundaries of how much we can take. How He makes us come forth as pure gold.
I know how it feels to stand and watch helplessly as someone else suffers, and you cannot do anything but pray.
Thank you so much for sharing this.
Love you brother!
Sarah, thank you sister. I know you and your family have walked this path and understand exactly what we’re feeling. We appreciate the empathy and prayers!
I think we are truly blessed at BBC to have you as our new Teaching Pastor. Your first Sunday morning sermon, and to hear you open up with the congregation, telling of your heart felt feelings of helplessness and pain, created a bond with us through the body of Christ. Many of us could empathize with you as we have experienced similar situations in our lives. Some of the valleys God allows in our life are something we would never choose to experience. But when we come out of the valley on the other side with God’s help, we come to realize that God is in total control. The wisdom we gain is priceless and the empathy for others could never be taught any other way. I look forward to experiencing what God is going to do through you at BBC.
God Bless you and your family.
Thanks, Steve. I’m grateful for your note. I’m also looking forward to bonding with the family at BBC in the months and years to come!
Wow! It was not the start that you had planned, but clearly the hand of God was at work to connect you to the people of Bethany Bible through their intercessory prayers for you.
May God bless you and your ministry at Bethany Bible Church! We at Northwest Community Church miss you. Be assured that you are remembered fondly and will always be loved here.
Thanks, Miles. We love and miss the family at ncc too and always will. Appreciate you leaving the comment!
Kent,
It’s heart-breaking to see others suffer like this, but is encouraging to see God’s faithfulness shine through! Thank you for sharing with such honesty and in so doing, allowing my faith to be strengthened by something God did in YOUR life. He’s crazy like that, gotta love Him!
-Scott
Scott, that’s the most encouraging thing you could have written. I’m so glad our journey could encourage you in yours! Blessings on you.
Hi dear Kent and Stephanie ~ I just talked with Jonathan and he gave me your address…I knew some of what was happening from your Mom and was praying, but reading your words brought me to tears…bless your hearts. I still see you and Jonathan as two precious little boys and now you are wonderful manly men who want to serve God in your life as a husband, father and pastor/businessman.
How wonderful to know all the prayers and love you are receiving…mine included! Love you so much, Mary Jo
Thanks, MJ! Love you too. We appreciate the prayers and lifetime of love and friendship. Jon is and will always be one of my best buddies in the world!
Hi again dear Kent and Stephanie~
I was just talking with my sister, Carole, and gave her your blog address. So, I re-read it and am praising and thanking God for his power and grace in our lives! Jonathan is hoping to spend time with you in a couple of months. I love the relationship you two have that started many many years ago…you two are precious people and I’m thankful you have a forever bond of love, respect and caring! Love, MJ .. please give your adorable wife a hug from me!
Hello again, MJ! Thanks for passing along the blog info to your sis. I’m actually planning on seeing Jon at the end of August when I am out there…Got the most encouraging voicemail from him the other day. I’m so grateful for our friendship that goes so far back!
Kent:
I know this post was written awhile ago but I cried reading it. This was so open and honest and real. It is only after the fact we see God’s hand. I am so sorry for Steph’s miscarriage, but I praise God he can use this pain (your pain and weakness) to bring Glory to Him. I look forward to seeing how God moves at your new church.
Love you my brother in Christ,
Lori
Thanks, Lori. That post was my cathartic way of dealing with things, and I appreciate you taking the time to read it and respond. It’s great to hear from you!